Can i not drive my cunt home
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
