You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
