she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
two words...techno handjob
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
