If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
