A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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