i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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