What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
