went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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