Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
