now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
