I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
