Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
