My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
