so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
