I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
