got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
