I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
