i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
