if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Duck Duck Cougar?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize