i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
