my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you traded sex for a burrito?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
