I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
