You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
