i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
