oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
