so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
What a dumb baby whore.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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