Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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