she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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