I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
