They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I love you. Go after that dick
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
