so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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