Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
