the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
