I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
