Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
