It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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