So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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