We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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