he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
