I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
