I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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