The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
