There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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