I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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