i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize