I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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