I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize
