How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
