Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
