For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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