When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
