So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
