You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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