Im at strip club and am horny
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
