im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
