Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Randomize
