I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
