I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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