theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
