So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
